No apologies for the honesty expressed in the title. I’ve been with a number of women that may likely be above average, yet there were less than a handful of awkward experiences where I didn’t feel connected to you. No bragging rights here. I choose not to write this open letter by means of clearing any guilt, but rather for accountability and to apologize past, present, and purposely, to become more transparent with others and myself in a very honest way.
"Direct thought is not an attribute of femininity. In this, woman is now centuries ... behind men." -Thomas Edison
Misogyny: I need to spell-check it every time due to how I navigate as a native within it’s territory. This vast complex that I work actively to dismantle by means of propaganda— often through (but not limited to) the following: social media, demonstrations, conversations, music, writing, and art in general. Also hypocritical as may be, at least half of the time on a day to day basis, I enable it’s manifestation when I say nothing to condemn others; and most importantly, I procreate it’s conditions. It is most important to say to you within this passage that I was never necessarily in a better position with my sexism. Example: I tend not to think so much about the word “bitch” and why it is so offensive when addressing another person as men, until another man says it to me, or I say it to a brother during a time where I've felt great pain or betrayal. Etymologies deep, dogs are subject to being not only “mans best friend,” but an acceptable subject to their master. Who am I really in that moment? There’s so much I’m missing to be honest with myself here, and that is likely because I didn’t have you to show me. I had you, I felt you, and if I told you I loved you I still do in every way, but I likely never had you there. I never let you get through to me. What I seen for so very long as a problem women experienced to a problem that men were causing for women, which eventually translated into a responsibility, but it was still a duty to save the woman or liberate the women being negatively impacted by her conditions. You know, the conditions I admittedly procreate.
The truth is that I never asked to make these conditions for you. There was never so much as a pull tab of certainty, so I really felt exempt from the process, much like presidential elections. I identified the difficulties psychologically inflicted on the women in my life from face value. Even the surface is sharp and cuts deep. That wasn’t it though. That wasn’t what really hit me later in my life like a ton of bricks. I had to later come to terms with the fact that I really had no control over other’s misogyny, and even less of my own. That was incredibly scary. I exercised this practice in excess as a youth, and it was tolerated. I am embarrassed to tell you this to you now, as I turn over the hands from pecking at my keyboard feeling the pain of my Nana’s Rheumatoid arthritis, and my Mom’s Carpal Tunnel. As I then turn my hands over I read the names Wendy and Tammi inked on my wrists. My relationship with my mother and grandmother has remained distant throughout my youth. I felt vast love for the women in my life but I often felt akin to a perspective of betrayal. Although the women in my life before you (my Nana and mom) were there for me they weren’t there for my Papa and Dad, or so I seen. There is of course only so much we see as children though. I grew up in a culture where people said things, people did things, and people made choices they’d regret on all ends. I remember hearing horrible things from a breathe of alcohol, and the absence of the women in my life when they were there. There is much I don’t remember, unfortunately, and much more that I do. My life wasn’t horrible, I had things, and I really came out great. There’s always that feeling of separation that is there with women in the sense that it becomes so very difficult to even establish a friendship. It is at this point I realize, while scanning my wrists and fingers, that I am a the one experiencing the problem, and these conditions I create are really working against me.
I guess that is the reason why I am messaging you again, sincerely. I don’t know what it means anymore because I don’t know how to feel you without feeling me in a way that is true to you. How can I truly relate though, and how can I really connect with you when you are a subject of the conditions I’ve created, and you’ve founded your identity on a pedagogy. This construct is everything I work to dismantle but it is how you navigate. Somehow you’ve exploit this balance against me. So now I feel as if it is actually you who is working against me and this is something you’re benefiting from due to the perceived perks you’re gaining from these conditions. This watered-down chivalry really does seem to have a silver lining lighting up. Why is it that you get all of the advantages you get any ways, and I come to terms with this notion that everything is all good and equal, but I formed this idea from this place of conforming to this inequity. I created this inequity in the first place, so I should be able to take it away.
Here I am now because it is apparently your responsibility to explain to me how it is that I do it. How to I begin deconstruction of this roster of conditions I’ve allowed to circulate around my being as if it is some testimony to my character as a youth, or as a dishonest measure of myself as an adult. How do I ever begin to be honest with myself enough to even finish reading my own article? I know I'm not finished writing this yet, but if I don't say it now I never may.